Tomorrow marks William Noah being in my life for TWO years. Wait, what? Wasn't I just complaining about my ribs cracking out of place and sciatic nerve pain? Nope, that was actually over two years ago, girlfriend. As I woke up this morning I realized that two years ago I was in labor for 12 hours and waiting to meet my little munchkin. Little did I know I still had 14 hours to go. Yep, that's right...26 freaking hours of labor for this mama. No wonder I'm a such hot mess! But, labor pains aren't the only thing that comes back to my memory. The birth of William was the most spiritual experience I have ever known.
How does a first time mother begin to describe her experience with her first born? Well, you can't. It isn't possible. I get teary eyed just thinking about my life with my Wild Bill. It isn't just that William Noah makes me happy. It's the bond he and I have created not only at birth- good grief, that was nothing compared to what he and I share right now, today, at this moment. It's what William and I have been through TOGETHER over the last 730 days (and yes, I just got my calculator out to figure out how many days are in a year).
This is the first picture we took of Will after we had walked through our front door-it was actually my grandparents front door. Bless their souls for housing two, broke, optimistic, newlyweds. The "Yo bro, I'm numbah one!" expressions William has going on in this picture is extremely accurate. From this moment forward he has completely ruled the roof. You want to know what I did when I took him out of his carseat and laid him on the bed? I sobbed. I'd like to think they were happy, excited, feeling blessed sobs. No, not even close. They consisting of what the hell have I done, I'm so freaking scared I could throw up, why isn't my Wild Orange working-I've used an entire bottle in the last hour, my boobs are so engorged I could feed all of the starving children in Africa, and can I please find a doctor qualified to reinsert my baby into my womb? Because I can deal with broken ribs...I can't deal with this kind of anxiety.
You want to know what I feel NOW, in this moment, while my little boy is sitting next to me eating his cheese stick and fruit snacks? The most amazing, overwhelming joy I have ever felt. These feelings did not come easy. I remember my best friend asking me in her motherless, innocent mind, "Don't you just love being a mom? I bet you can't imagine your life without William." Of course I replied with "I love it! I'm so happy." I did love it, and I WAS happy. But the feeling of absolutely not knowing what you are doing is terrifying. As the last two years have come and gone I realize that was the best feeling I could have ever felt.
Not knowing what I was doing caused me to improvise in the hardest situations. Driving down the freeway with a screaming 3 month old? No problem, I'll just whip out my lullaby singing voice and hope for the best. My 10-month old is STILL waking up six times a night? I'll cuddle him until he falls back asleep. Tantrums until Monster Trucks are on the television? I got this! Fast forward to 6:20 because that's his favorite part. Every moment of heartache, frustration, anger, happiness, excitement, and exhaustion has bonded William and I together as mother and son. The good Lord has blessed me with this perfect little soul, and the sacred privilege to sing William lullabies when he's upset, cuddle him at 2,3, and 4 a.m. because he wants to lay on MY chest to fall back to sleep, and know that 6:20 is his favorite part of his monster truck movie. How did I get this lucky to experience all of these mundane, day to day things with my Wild Bill? Only the big man upstairs knows what I possibly could have done to deserve this.
I'm sure being my son hasn't been an easy thing for Will. I'm the mom that wants kisses at least 23 times a day and this handsome little dude, bless his heart, gives them to me ALMOST every time. Two years ago I had no idea what a beautiful mess my life would turn out to be. To my Wild Bill, thank you. Thank you for choosing me, thank you for growing WITH me. Thank you for the midnight wake up calls, because without them I wouldn't have those sleep deprived memories. Thank you for smiling when tractors drive down our street, because your smile makes me smile. Thank you for holding my hand while we watch Zootopia together, because when your little hand grasps mine my heart sings. Thank you for calling "Mama" in the mornings, because it shows me I've been there for you every morning, and I'm the first person you think of when those precious little eyelids open each day. Most of all...thank you for being the light in my life and the steady stream of immense happiness. You will hold my heart forever, little man.